So Be It

My left shoulder hurts. It is very stiff, it has been like that for around a week or so. I do not remember when it really started, I did not took much notice of it. I still have use of my left arm and hand except that I cannot raise it fully or have full strength as before - movement is limited. I presumed it had been stiff, some nerve root or so have gotten pinched in my sleep. AND at the back of my head, the Wiccan Creed, the law of Karma - one should harm no one, or it would come back three fold. BUT if this is the price that I had to pay, SO BE IT.

How much do I love my Mom? Very much! I would kill for her and perhaps I might have. Right at the start of the whole brouhaha, education, my education was out of the window, I have forgotten them. All I remember is the pain, the injustice of it all, the desire to kill, to have some justice. I would love to have been the palengkera that my Mom could have been ... I remember replying such on an email, I was told I was doing dirty laundry in public, I was castigated by my Head of office - but SO BE IT.

Truth enough, my father is guilty and all. I know he is culpable and all, and I have not talked to him in the last two years. I know he is responsible as much as the mistress - but why the focus, the hatred on the mistress? For no matter what, sad to say, he is still my father, my biological father, my blood father. It hurts to think that he had another family, he cared for three daughters that are not his, those three daughters that he sent from elementary to college are his mistress' children from her husband. Sure, the money could have helped my mother, worst, it was money that we worked for .... money, that in my mind we earned to support this mistress. That hurts a lot, but what hurts most is the time and love that was taken from us. When I was younger, we used to go Luneta Park and movies, we were family. When it stopped when I was a bit older, I thought it was because we have more expenses and thus the need to earn more, all of us to work harder - only to see that we shared him... and that hurts. Because on a personal level, we deserve that time, we deserve that love. He is still my father, I could not get a hex, a spell, or prayer against him.. unfair to wish all on the mistress.. but then SO BE IT...

My eyes hurt from tears, my heart aches more from the wound, it has not yet healed...

Someone have jokingly asked if I had even contemplated paying an assasin or something, YES I have planned and killed Chili in my mind several times. Yes, I till have that cash ready and available just to get even with her. Yes, I have went to her house and dumpl a month's cat litter at her house. Yes, I claim responsibility of scracthing their car. Yes, I would do more ... thus, it was then I jumped on taking this foreign assignment here in Caracas. What was holding me back from the last two years? My Mom, I love her, and I still have to respect her wishes. I remember her words " Ayaw ko kayong maging kriminal ( I do not want you to become criminals) ". So the pain remains, I have to wait.... I have to be patient for the right time... SO BE IT.