Para sa Tatay ko ...

"Mamatay ka din!" (You will die too!) - these were my father´s last words to me. Oh, do not get me wrong, my father is still alive in the Philippines. But two years ago, I brought into light his secret, his mistress for twenty years. Since then we have not talked to each, not even when his last surviving sibling died, not even when I left the country last year.

Father's Day - people are celebrating it. Here in Caracas, they do not talk only of a Father's Day, they refer to June as Father's Month, Mes del Padre. How can I greet someone that gave me life and took it all away?

My Father is very notorious. My paternal relatives are afraid of him, are weary of him. He is known to have physically abused a cousin's suitor, so she run away with him although she felt more for someone. She is now separated from him. He again abused another cousin´s suitor - this time, my cousin did not elope, she instead chose a husband approved by the clan. Yes, my father is a wife beater but my mother would deny it. Those times she was black and blue, she would run home to her family in Cabuyao, Laguna - where no one would talk about the domestic violence. For me and my brother, we were just told she went for a vacation with my Grandmother.

By today's standards, the beatings I had as a child would be considered as child abuse. He would use his belt, his slippers, kick me a lot. My mother would do her best to intervene and slip me out of the house, I would have to spend the evening in a relative's house.

I used to fear my father. I learned to act like a robot when he is around less I earn his displeasure.

I know my father's philandering ways. My mother used to justify it as a norm among the Reyes clan, that he was not the only one. But we assumed that he was having one mistress one after another, no one permanent ... not only one mistress for two decades! My father kept Chili and even educated her three daughters from her previous marriage. Then, it was clear where he spent his income.

We did not really enjoy any financial support from him, it was my Mother who was more than intelligent in having our business profitable.

In April 2006, my father hired a help for our store, the boy thought my mother was just another hired help. He said to my Mom that he got the job because of my Father´s wife - Chili. So, my Mom crumbled and there I started to investigate until I unearthed what was hidden from us all this time. Sure, my paternal relatives new but chose to be silent, they do not want to be involve, more they do not want to get the ire of my father.

My mother left my father then, but still no word from him. In my search for the truth, I learned that the mistress and her daughter where sued in court for physical abuse. I attended the hearing and sided with the plaintiff, and only after that was a family meeting called. That was when my father, in full anger, with eyes red, full of rage - shouted and said that to me... "Mamatay ka din!!".

My meek mother depended me, she was full of anger and indignation. But she lose her fire, my father said that he would raher leave all of us for his mistress. I have a monster father. I thought of him as evil, the worst husband, an unworthy father.

My mother forgave my father and they went into a cycle of being together and being separated. My brother and I chose not to tell my father that I left to work abroad last year, my mother wanted us to drop by before I leave. No, it hurts but we do not want any drama.

Now, its Father's day ... the most I could do is to buy him a blood pressure monitor and have it parceled to him. I told my Mom - para sa tatay. What more can be said?

No matter how bad, how evil, how undeserving of love, how wrong my father is ... sad it may be, he is still my father.

I could only cry here. Tatay ko pa rin siya.