Time for Death

I do not know the time. I do not know how long I was standing there, holding a knife over my wrist. I was just staring not knowing what to do. I was tired, I was sad. And the knife was getting heavy on my wrists.. just one slash. Would it hurt? How long would I bleed? Would I be missed or cursed? Slowly the sharpness of the knife sting, slowly some blood started to surface. I lifted my head, and all I could do then is cry. I remember my friends, I remember my mentors - read the bible, think of us. So there was I, mixing tears and blood on my pillow. Emotionally in tears and physically hurting for the slight gash.

Last year, I lost two aunts and a cousin. Death hurts, one can easily cry and tears would washes the grief away. But what hurts more than death? Betrayal and rejection. We know our father is a philandering husband but in our mind, we think that it was a long line of various mistresses, flavors of the month or of a few months. Not like this, there are some communities that think of him and my mother as separated, and that the wife is this Chili Uy from Davao. For years, I have been told that I cannot do anything for it is a matter between husband and wife. But this time, I see my mother, so downcasts, with darkness over here. From there I took out to find the truth, the details. A lot - friends, relatives, neighbors do know but they chose to be quiet, no involvement, and being the family, we were the last to know.

My parents have been married for 40 years, and half of that - for twenty years, there is only one mistress, this Chili Uy who is married herself with three children. She opted to leave her husband and be my father's mistress, my father raising also her three daughters. My father funded their education from elementary, high school, and college whereas it was my mother who have to provide for me and my brother!

I have so much anger, I have so much hatred. I wanted to hurt that Chili Uy and her children. I even confronted them amicably, controlling myself - thus I learned more directly from them. I was nice but boiling inside. Chili Uy and her daughter Katherine Uy are accused in a case, I even went there, but to support the plaintiff. That raised their ire, and from there, Katherine told me "bakit ninyo ba pinasisikan ang sarili niyo kung ayaw na sa inyo ng tatay mo?"

Two days after, my father, mother, brother, sister in law, and our oldest paternal relative was in conference. So much have been said, voices were raised. My father admits but unrepentant. He admits having a mistress, oh.. he corrected himself, Chili Uy is not his mistress but his wife. Tia Maring wanted a reconciliation, but father was adamant, he is happier with his "wife" not us. He would rather have all the properties divided and that he can give them to his wife. My mother was crestfallen, my heart goes to her. I was holding my tears. My brother was already silently crying.

For my mom, I have forsaken my work and others. I was by her side most of the time. That night, I was so afraid for her. I have my own anger, hatred, and sadness but I pushed them to the background and focused on my mother. It was during this time that my mother admitted to being a battered wife, of being physically abused that twice she had to seek medical attention. Twice she left the house to heal her bruises - those times we thought they only had a quarrel, a misunderstanding, but not a head wound or a broken rib.

So much have happened since then, our lives seemed like a telenovela. Worst part is that I am only a son, one of the children, nothing can be done against my father - it is only my mom who can file a case. My mom who in the end chose to forgive him, who thought that she should fight for the 40 yrs of their married life no matter how bad it was.

Am I mad, angry? Oh yes, definitely, without doubt. In my mind, I have played more than a dozen scenarios of revenge, I have imagined their deaths over and over again. There is so much hatred that it takes a lot not to really hurt them or do anything. In the end, that destructive anger turned on to myself - there I was standing in front of an altar, holding the night, struggling within my mind to give up and to move on.

I am screwed up! Although it seems I survived this week, I know not till when I can hold on to sanity or when I would lose reason either to kill them or kill myself.

Why this letter to all? Just a reminder that extra marital affairs are not only between the husband and the wife, but it affects the children, your children. We, the children also suffers. My case might be extreme but the point is - when one betrays a spouse, the betrayal is against the whole family, it includes the children!

A read somewhere an ambassador asking some consideration for a staff, since the foreign service is a fertile ground for extra marital affairs - oh please! I can understand the loneliness but think of the repercussions, the end result - think of the possible effect of such times of weakness. If not for the advise of friends in my mind, I would not be here writing this to all. Pehaps by this day, I would have been six feet below the ground.

Galit ako sa Kabit

Nasa tao ang gawa, nasa Diyos ang awa. Sa masamang gawain ng aking ama, naawa na siguro ang diyos. Takot makialam ang mga tao kahit mga kamaganak namin, walang naglakas loob na magsabi sa amin. Pero eto, may kinuhang boy na ang pagkakilala sa kabit ay siyang tunay na asawa, at ang tingin sa aking ina - matandang kulot na tauhan lamang ng aking ama! Mula noon, parang isang tele serye ang naging buhay namin.

Lakas loob kong hinarap at kinausap pa iyong kabit at ang kanyang anak, taga M. de la Cruz lang pala sila. Walang away, walang eskandalo, walang sigawan. Pero ibang klase ang kabit - siya ang asawa ng tatay ko, sinasabi niyang naghiwalay na ang aking magulang. Kilala din siya sa kanyang barangay, may katok daw sa ulo, mapang away, mata pobre, at kilala sa pangalang Magdalena. Iniwan ni Magdalena ang asawa, ang ama ng kanyang tatlong anak na babae para maging kerida.

Ang mga bata, hindi talaga alam ang kanyang kwento, nasanay na tawagin siyang Magdalena. At dahil bata, hilig nilang isigaw ang pangalang Magdalena na ikinagagalit ng magaling na kabit. Inabangan ni Magdalena at Katya (hindi tunay na pangalan) ang mga batang nanunukso, at kanilang nasaktan ang isa sa kanila, si Ryan. Matapang din ang ina ni Ryan na si Clarita, hinarap, kahit kalhati lamang sya sa laki ng magina. May tama nga daw sa utak siguro si Magdalena, siya pa ang nagharap ng reklamo sa barangay. Nagreklamo din si Clarita at Ryan, pero ang kanilang reklamo na lamang ang umakyat sa korte.

Sa bista ng reklamo, muli din akong nagpakita. Nakaupo ako sa loob ng korte kasama ang pamilya ni Clarita at Ryan. Papasok na si Magdalena at Katya, bigla silang napa uron, hindi kagad tumuloy. Natapos ang bista, halatang naggalaiti sa galit si Katya, inis na inis. Hindi nila inaasahan na kakampihan ko ang tinging nilang mga dukha at mahirap. Hinabol ko sila ng kuha ng litrato. Hinarap ako.

"Bakit ka ba ganyan?" sabi ni Katya.

"Sabi sa akin, kunan ko daw kayo ng litrato"

"Ah ganun? Oh sige, kunan mo ako" sagot ni Magdalena, sabay namewang.

Kinunan ko kaagad ng litrato, ganoon din sabay baling kay Katya.

"Bakit mo ba pinagpipilitan ang sarili ninyo sa tatay ninyo, eh ayaw na sa inyo!!"

Natigilan ako. Ang sakit ng mga salita. Oo nga, ayaw na nga siguro sa amin, paano inagawan na kami. Sabi nga naman nila, mas mahusay at mas palaban ang mga kerida.

Ano pa ba pwede kong gawin? Ano pa ba dapat?

40 years ng kasal ang magulang ko. At ng gabing magusap kami ni Magdalena, pinagmamalaki niya, 20 yrs na daw sila ng ama ko. Ang tatay ko daw bumuhay sa kanya at tatlo niyang anak. Ang tatay ko nag pa aral sa mga anak nya mula elementarya hanggang kolehiyo. Ang tatay ko na hindi nagbigay sa pagaaral ko o ng kapatid ko.

Nagharap na rin ang buong pamilya. Matapang nuong iuna ang ina ko, ngunit parang kandilang naupos ng sinabi ng tatay ko, "Hindi ko kerida iyon, asawa ko iyon". Natakot ako para sa aking ina, bigla na lang siyang napayuko, nanahimik. Natapos ang usapan, hindi daw uuwi ang tatay ko sa Pasay, pero hindi rin daw sya uuwi sa M de La Cruz. Kahit na, parang tulala na ang nanay ko. Ibang klase ang ama ko. Ang tatay ko na hindi man lang humingi ng sorry sa kanyang kasalanan kundi buong pagmamalaki na inamin pa ang iba pa nyang naging kabit o kerida.

Sabi nila ipa Diyos na lamang ang makasalanang magdalena. Ewan ko. Ang nalaman ko, wala akong karapatan na idemanda sila, ang nanay ko lamang o ang asawa ni Magdalena. Kaya sa ngayon, idinadaan ko na lang sa pagsusulat at sa internet ang lahat ng sama ng loob. Tuyo na kasi na kasi luha ko. Nagtayo din ako ng isang yahoogroup sa http://groups.yahoo.com/group/jailthemistress na may mga nakakaunawa at sumasali.

Alam kaya nila ang kasalanan nila? Ang epekto nila sa mga anak? Susunugin kaya talaga sa impyerno ang mga kaluluwa nila? Ewan... basta ako, galit kay Magdalena.

Effects ..... how traumatized are the children really?

I received emails in private and read some postings in another discussion group. My mind started again on the pros and cons. I admit being mad, angry, hateful, and definitely out for retribution. I want changes, some action ... but what about the children per se?

So far, one identifiable trauma is a phobia from relationship. I am still unmarried nor commitment material. My brother got married when he was 32, which was six years ago. His girlfriend waited for more than a decade. Now I read someone catching her mom with a lover, and her stance - firm resolution never to get married, to anyone.

How can we help ourselves from this emotional scarring?

At least, from these, it is obvious that the children are indeed collateral damage, definiely affected. Any suggestions?

I have therefore rethink the course and nature of the yahoogroup Jail the Mistress. More immediate concern is a support group.

Beginning an Advocacy : JAIL THE MISTRESS!!!

This would be my third day of absence from work. This would be the sixth month since our family was shattered to pieces. I have been thinking, feeling, wondering how to sum it up. I want some justice, revenge, vengeance, understanding, closure, sympathy.... to move on, to have a life .... and in the end ... I want the culprit, the mistress, the querida be jailed. Thus - to sum it up: JAIL THE MISTRESS!!!

I am not the legal wife, I am the eldest son of a battered wife. Yes, hard to say it, my Mom is and was a battered wife, she had been verbally and physically abused. I am one of the silent casualties of philandering husbands, and I will no longer be silent.

Years ago, I was told to be silent. My father's affairs is between my Mom and my Dad. My mother expressed her suspicion, but would always cower up in fear. This year, she opened up. Twice she went home to Lola, twice I thought it was some sort of a lover's quarrel - actually twice she had been physically beaten up. Twice she ended up seeking medical help, broken ribs, a bleeding head. But she loves my father so much, she did not want me or my brother to see her that way. She chose to go home, for even if Lola, my Aunts and Uncles, and my cousins would see her - she knows no one would tell us, they would be silent. Such silence was kept over the years... till now.

Aril 2006, the bubble burst. Our family had a new houseboy, meeting the new employ, my Mom (Rosalinda) interviewed him. "where did you come from, how did you get employed?" she asked. And the reply "from the wife of Kuya Nano, Ate Chili". My mom was shocked and rendered silent. Almost two decades ago ... a man have approached my Mom, asking her to talk to Dad, that his wife be left alone. Chili's husband then, and the immediate family tried to be diplomatic. My mom gave Php5,000 so Chili can go back to Davao and end the affair. Apparently, she have stayed and continued the illicit affair.

My Mom was so distraught that she went to my brother's house, and it was there I found her. My heart went to my Mom, she does not deserve this after 40 yrs of marriage! The boy sensed he said something wrong and have chosen not to answer any more, less to incriminate anymore. It was then that I started to search for the Mistress till the time I located her.

I gathered up courage and talked to her, diplomatically. She is a proud person and disclosed a lot. Being friendly she told me a lot, not much did came into my head, I was trying to control my emotions, trying to be calm. My Mom was flabbergasted ... she was headstrong to pursue legal action. We have even stared talking to lawyers. Then, she backed out. My Mom backslided, typical of battered wives, she went back to him. BUT, I have no legal entity to continue any case against my father. For months, I simmered and brewed, I know I am not alone in this experience - others have survived, and I know I will. But survival from the ordeal is not enough, there is no justice. I am of a legal age but I cannot initiate legal proceedings, thus ... my only recourse is to inform others and ask our lawmakers to empower children like me against erring parents.

It has been said that mistresses are part of the machismo cult, of the Filipino culture. But time changes, so are views and traditions. We, the children of adulterous parents should not be made collateral damage, we should be empowered likewise by the state. Thus, the advocacy.. JAIL THE MISTRESS!!!