Time for Death

I do not know the time. I do not know how long I was standing there, holding a knife over my wrist. I was just staring not knowing what to do. I was tired, I was sad. And the knife was getting heavy on my wrists.. just one slash. Would it hurt? How long would I bleed? Would I be missed or cursed? Slowly the sharpness of the knife sting, slowly some blood started to surface. I lifted my head, and all I could do then is cry. I remember my friends, I remember my mentors - read the bible, think of us. So there was I, mixing tears and blood on my pillow. Emotionally in tears and physically hurting for the slight gash.

Last year, I lost two aunts and a cousin. Death hurts, one can easily cry and tears would washes the grief away. But what hurts more than death? Betrayal and rejection. We know our father is a philandering husband but in our mind, we think that it was a long line of various mistresses, flavors of the month or of a few months. Not like this, there are some communities that think of him and my mother as separated, and that the wife is this Chili Uy from Davao. For years, I have been told that I cannot do anything for it is a matter between husband and wife. But this time, I see my mother, so downcasts, with darkness over here. From there I took out to find the truth, the details. A lot - friends, relatives, neighbors do know but they chose to be quiet, no involvement, and being the family, we were the last to know.

My parents have been married for 40 years, and half of that - for twenty years, there is only one mistress, this Chili Uy who is married herself with three children. She opted to leave her husband and be my father's mistress, my father raising also her three daughters. My father funded their education from elementary, high school, and college whereas it was my mother who have to provide for me and my brother!

I have so much anger, I have so much hatred. I wanted to hurt that Chili Uy and her children. I even confronted them amicably, controlling myself - thus I learned more directly from them. I was nice but boiling inside. Chili Uy and her daughter Katherine Uy are accused in a case, I even went there, but to support the plaintiff. That raised their ire, and from there, Katherine told me "bakit ninyo ba pinasisikan ang sarili niyo kung ayaw na sa inyo ng tatay mo?"

Two days after, my father, mother, brother, sister in law, and our oldest paternal relative was in conference. So much have been said, voices were raised. My father admits but unrepentant. He admits having a mistress, oh.. he corrected himself, Chili Uy is not his mistress but his wife. Tia Maring wanted a reconciliation, but father was adamant, he is happier with his "wife" not us. He would rather have all the properties divided and that he can give them to his wife. My mother was crestfallen, my heart goes to her. I was holding my tears. My brother was already silently crying.

For my mom, I have forsaken my work and others. I was by her side most of the time. That night, I was so afraid for her. I have my own anger, hatred, and sadness but I pushed them to the background and focused on my mother. It was during this time that my mother admitted to being a battered wife, of being physically abused that twice she had to seek medical attention. Twice she left the house to heal her bruises - those times we thought they only had a quarrel, a misunderstanding, but not a head wound or a broken rib.

So much have happened since then, our lives seemed like a telenovela. Worst part is that I am only a son, one of the children, nothing can be done against my father - it is only my mom who can file a case. My mom who in the end chose to forgive him, who thought that she should fight for the 40 yrs of their married life no matter how bad it was.

Am I mad, angry? Oh yes, definitely, without doubt. In my mind, I have played more than a dozen scenarios of revenge, I have imagined their deaths over and over again. There is so much hatred that it takes a lot not to really hurt them or do anything. In the end, that destructive anger turned on to myself - there I was standing in front of an altar, holding the night, struggling within my mind to give up and to move on.

I am screwed up! Although it seems I survived this week, I know not till when I can hold on to sanity or when I would lose reason either to kill them or kill myself.

Why this letter to all? Just a reminder that extra marital affairs are not only between the husband and the wife, but it affects the children, your children. We, the children also suffers. My case might be extreme but the point is - when one betrays a spouse, the betrayal is against the whole family, it includes the children!

A read somewhere an ambassador asking some consideration for a staff, since the foreign service is a fertile ground for extra marital affairs - oh please! I can understand the loneliness but think of the repercussions, the end result - think of the possible effect of such times of weakness. If not for the advise of friends in my mind, I would not be here writing this to all. Pehaps by this day, I would have been six feet below the ground.