DENIED.... DENIED..

03 JULY 2009. In a state of depression, I released my sentiments and I asked to be relieved of duties. I felt sad and unrecognized. I was thinking of letting go as the finance officer - perhaps, it would not be so bad to be made into an usher or embassy guard, to usher people in and out of the building. But then my Ambassador replied - DENIED. Can I be relieved of other duties as well, DENIED. I was silent, and then I slowly felt good. This is one denial, that made me more confident and sure about myself.

Crying on the floor

02 July 2009. My mother have informed me, tom or rather now - Philippine time, they would be celebrating the 40th day of my father's death. She informed me that she sleeps with my brother's family again, since her domestic angel have left. My mother finds it difficult to sleep alone since she was beaten.

She informed me of their plans on how to celebrate it. I feel sad and helpless.

yes.. i am depressed!!!

01 July 2009. I think that is the first step I have to make - admitting that I am getting into a deep spiral of depression. Or that I am undeniably or unquestionably depressed. I am already sitting on my office table and yet I still could not do my own work. I have to my credit have already downloaded the Embassy communication. Its the first day so I should be paying the LQA for the month ... and yet I find myself vacillating, my mind wondering to the messages I exchanged with my mother.

I need to focus. I need to accept reality. I need to admit the truth.

My father is dead, shot in the head with a gunshot wound with the killer still out there. And we could only even think that the killer is a hired assasin for otherwise, my father would have already reacted when he saw him in public transportation. My father was shot point blank in a Jeep (Evangelista - Libertad route) said to be on his way to his mistress.

Liar! Liar!

08 January 2009. They had their first appearance in court. The judge is pushing for an amicable settlement - stating that due to my father's age of 69, he would not be sent to jail. Surprisingly, my Mom was steadfast, she was strong! I really thank the heavens for it.

Philandering moments ...

28 December 2008. People usually ask me how could my father fool us for more than 2 decades? I have always suspected even before but my friends always advised me that it is a marriage problem between my parents and thus not my problem - and I tried to console myself that it was nothing serious, just another series of non committal flings after all, other mistresses have been found accidentally in the past.

1. I was very young then, I was definitely still in the elementary, we still have that red cougar car. My father usually excused himself to go hunting with some friends and relatives. So that weekend, with my father gone - Tia Celing invited us and my Mom, obliged, reasoning out that we have nothing better to do really. So we were picked up from Pasay to go to Guadalupe Makati where Tia Celing's bakery store is located, which is downhill.

As the jeep we are riding was going down, it cross path with our red cougar!!! My father was in the driver's seat together with a girl. BUSTED!! I was worried that history have repeated itself then and that I would have a broken family.

True enough, my father came back later apologizing to us. Nothing monumental happened, as if the girl and the lie about hunting .... this is the earliest philandering moment I can recall.

2. My father likes mestizas - fair white ladies. Thus I found out later that one of our store helpers have become his mistress, her name is Alona. It was all kept secret from me, but I learned because I came across her letter to Mercy, another helper in the cash drawer in Tramo. Since I was in grade 4, I have learned to count and handle money, and I would not only accompany my mother but would also be manning the store and the cash drawer. So there, I saw the letter, Alona calling Mercy "Man og". I never did confront my Mother about it, if she chose to keep silent, so did I then. This would be the 80s, we had another store in Belarmino, Bangkal, Makati - it was more likely I was in college, or late High School. We had the store there for seven years, then the lease contract was not renewed, so bye bye store. Mercy explained that "man og" meant snake in their visayan dialect, and that because she told my mother about the affair.

3. It was also in the Belarmino store that we first learned about Chile. Apparently some relatives, some family went to the store to ask my father to stop the affair, instead they chanced upon my Mother. To my knowledge, My Mom paid out Chile a plane fare to go back to Davao, to distance herself from my father... of course, this, Chile denied when I talked to her in 2006.

Secrets ... we all have them ... and as they say, secrets are eventually discovered ...

Truth comes out...

26 December 2008. I have lived most of my life in Pasay / Makati - with our paternal relatives. We usually go home and visit my maternal relatives on holidays and other occasions, so now I am bonding with Annette and Tita Ninang Tud. And only now do I get to see other pieces of the puzzle - my Mom have been physically abused even before, of which I know nothing about, for the cover story was that she simply went home for a vacation. I was so naive not to think otherwise. And yet, it makes sense, my mother never wanted me to hate my father, she had covered up for him, with her prayer to keep the family together. I really thought she went home for some vacation, that she was missing Lola Osay, her mother. I was wrong.

My mother came from a broken family, that I know. She said she was already in college when her parents separated and thus she does not want the same for us. For me then, history repeats itself, and so be it, one merely needs the courage to accept such things. In my mind, they separated because Lolo Jose had another family. I was wrong, again.

Mom went home because she had bruises and was really hurt. Annette told me that she saw the bruises but she had no voice, she did not tell me much, for she thought I knew. I knew nothing. She recalls how my father went to pick up my Mom with his siblings, my father went on his knees, he cried. Lola Osay have said that if he would just hurt Mommy, it would be best that she stays with her... but Mom was so forgiving, she went home again with him.

Lola Osay herself was physically abused, but only once, and once was more than enough. Tita Ninang Tud said that Lolo Jose have hurt Lola Osay, thus she decided to leave him with all her children, there was no turning back. Lolo Jose was a gambler and a drunk, but Lola Osay overlook that, but when she was hit - that was the turning point. Lolo Jose was devastated that he created malicious rumors about Lola Osay, which is what my father is doing to my Mom. My father have lied for decades, thus it was more than easy for him to tell lies about my Mom.

Christmas eve 2008

24 December 2008. I am in my cousin Anette's house here in Las Vegas, USA. I felt like crying several times - hearing the Christmas's songs would make the teary eye and the Noche Buena or dinner made me feel so homesick for my mother and my own family.

This also reminds me of an earlier Christmas when my father ended up confined in the Hospital - He was furious with my Mom. That I know, and I know my father had a temper, but then I never did realize that my father had actually been physical with my Mom. It was only in 2006 then I learned about the physical abuse that my Mom had been successful in hiding from me.

I was sleeping in my own pad, which was across our home. My Mom knocked and came in, she had a fight from my Dad who felt slighted about my Mom's friends - which they entertained in Tagaytay. My Dad was so mad, so agitated, his blood pressure was up and he ended up in Manila Sanitarium. My father was so furious that he was saying that it would be best that he left the hospital dead than to see my Mom again.

My Mom was crying and all and I remember endng up in Bangkal - with Ate Maring and Tia Pering. Tia Pering was non chalant about it, laughing and smiling about it, more happy abou seeing us and all. She is, was the best cook among the Reyeses, and as before her house has good, warm food to make us all feel better.

I remember going to the Hospital, it was the time that I opened up and told him that I might never get married... that perhaps I would be forever be a bachelor. He was not looking at me, he dared not look at me, he was very considerate, telling me that it is alright, if that is my fate, then so shall it be. Well, I was fearful of my father's health then, he look so small, so vulnerable on the hospital bed, I felt he was also being emotional, sentimental. He was talking to me, with his head away, not because he did not wish to talk to me, but because he simply could not face me, face what we were talking about - it was very intimate for me. I could only hold my tears, as I was sure he was holding his...

Relieve I was then that he left the hospital alive, things were not the same but I was closer then to him.... I was wrong then to side with him ....